Hello SEO optimizers/grifters/scammers and to whom it may concern.
This post is considered a mass-response to the endless deluge of e-mails from supposed "SEO Experts" and chances are they will never read this response. Or, perhaps, for those who don't run a blog like we do. This will allow you a peak into an aspect of web design that no one frankly knows because the goal-post of getting to the 'top' of any search engine on the clear-net is perpetually moved by design. This leaves people holding onto standards that either are meaningless or are absolutely dangerous to follow.
SEO (Search Engine Optimization) is this supposed pseudo-science of cleaning up a website to make it more searchable for robots. Under the beleif there's 'experts' in the field that if you just open your wallets your site can bask in the glory of being on the top of the mountain of shit.
Keep in mind, a lot of these e-mails we get are so cookie-cutter template designed that even AI generated e-mails about SEO sound the same. Which makes it easier for us to answer these burning questions they may have about our site. Also understand the best way to handle these e-mails coming at you is to simply not reply to the levels where they think you as a human are dead. If everyone is a bot to them, then bots can give out Paypal payments for doing almost nothing.
To all of my friends on Tor and I2P. Be glad the network is small enough to not have to put up with this level of horse shit that the clear-net tries on the daily.
Would you like to know more? Read on for continued diatribes.
The majority of these kinds of e-mails come through the contact us page, as most are just bots that race towards this part of a website in the hopes of blasting a cold call add to the website designer. Let's go through the core structure of what your typical e-mail reads.
Starting right away with the title.
S-Config - Critical SEO Errors Found on s-config.com [Important]
<SARCASIM>CRITICAL HIT!!! OH NOES!</SARCASIM>
It's always important for these guys to start an e-mail as if the world is on fire. Like your site got hacked and replaced with a white board where they're just drawing dicks everywhere. FYI: Don't let us on your whiteboard. We will probably draw dicks on it too.
We have created a document that highlights all the errors we have found on your website and included suggestions for corrections. You can access the document by clicking on this link: http://1fuk3dj00mumz.xyz
Now that's not the real website. If it does turn into a real website. Well, let us know. ;)
Again, every sentence uses the most dire wording about your website. That there are "Errors" indicating that what you the web designer is doing is somehow abjectly wrong.
We recommend that you review the document and make the necessary corrections as soon as possible. Our team is also available to assist you with any further SEO optimization needs.
Okay, this is a slightly different from most SEO junk mail in the respects that they are asking YOU to correct the issues. But of course, their 'team' is always on standby to get paid to spread your site to the comments section of other WordPress sites like a disease to get you to the top of those search engines for maybe a day before you're blacklisted as spam.
Please note that these errors can negatively impact your website's search engine ranking and visibility, which can ultimately lead to a loss of traffic and revenue.
OH NOES! AGAIN! My money that we never-ever made in the first place!
Classic cookie cutter design e-mail where they assume you're some small business website that is sitting on a GoDaddy server and is trying to cross-promote yourself on Grindr or whatever other flavor of the day social network service that the future holds.
Finally, it's signed by an auto-generated e-mail name going to gmail.com instead of actually coming from their domain to represent any level of professionalism at all as it costs money or at the very least technical time to send e-mail from a particular domain and not have it blocked by the spam-guards in place. We had to place a ticket with our VPS provider to even make the function of sending e-mails even work. By default, most VPS's can't act as e-mail providers because of shit like what is happening above.
Establish that baseline.
How does a web-admin know that what this spammer is saying is true? Well, we could ask the search engine itself, as Google has this service called PageSpeed. This of course providing that we actually care what Google thinks.
12/16/2023 at the time of snapshot - Switching to"Mobile" gives more aggressive scoring.
You can take their scoring system for however many grains of salt that you wish.
For example: The reason why I'm not at %100 for 'best practices' is that we're supposed to resize all of our images exactly for width and height definitions. Something that we don't feel like having our picture folder spammed the crap out of with perpetual thumbnails and letting PHP try to choose the best out of them all (i.e: image-320x80, image-120x30) So I guess shame on us for letting an extra 1KB of data come to the client.
The advice Page Speed gives at least from a technical point of view we would consider 'okay' but consider that is all it is. Advice. Not law.
All things considered, we unintentionally got a 100 on SEO score. So that means we're going to the top of the search engine. Right?
Unthinking away from Google.
Okay, understand that your website will never be at the top of any subject related topic unless the subject you're providing is so exclusive and unique that you are the only one talking about it. Thus, if you start talking about tech as an example. Well! You are fighting every YouTube reviewer, every tech magazine. And every major news outlet that PAID to be on the top.
Google also had this program called PageRank, which they claimed that it stopped using it and retired PageRank with the search bar around 2016. It's still quietly running in the background of their datacenter collecting information for Google and not necessarily for the public facing market.
Google has also changed the way they ranked website by taking what they've done to YouTube creators and applying it to websites.
Instead of basing your search engine metric off of the old PageRank system where sites link to other sites to give importance of a topic and/or website. Which in the past has been easily exploited by generating thousands of pages on free sites linking to garbage. Google decided to take the path of YouTube. That "Content Freshness" is more important than who you are linking to. This means you have to present the search engine with new articles "DAILY" just like a major news network. Or be blasted into obsolescence, ending up on page 201 which is no longer indexed by the front-end of googles search engine.
Of course, with Google embracing the concept of "Content Freshness" only opens the doors to AI driven websites that spew forth procedurally generated bullshit onto a page in the hopes of climbing the social web ranking once again. We're honestly hoping that AI generates enough Grey Goo content that renders the engine absolutely useless, collapsing the company as a whole. You know. Happy thoughts.
Random trash SEO baseline.
Right, now that we've seen our results from the largest schizophrenic search engine on earth, let turn on your VPN, open a Tor browser and finally pull in some popcorn to see what their SEO improvement correction camps have to say on our site.
You know, for all of that doom and gloom they were throwing around my e-mail, 81% of a person that isn't even trying to appease the robots isn't really that bad.
Also, this website looks eerie similar to RankWise(external) which is also bullshit about SEO but as long as you got your ad-blocker running it's fun to try as a webadmin just to laugh at it.
But let's go through all the things that are "Improvements" and "Errors" shall we?
This site penalizes me for rolling my CSS into my HTML so that I can satisfy another optimization system that the fewer calls for files to your web server, the faster your web server is to use. Most search engines are smart enough to simply discard the CSS code and focus on just the content alone. To "Improve" upon this is to penalize differently.
This part is probably true, and glad it's just a warning. It's probably our editor that does this style inline issue, which could result in a page loading a few milliseconds slower. Don't care.
I failed the "Analytics" test because we don't proudly share all of my visitor information with the leeches of the world such as Bing, Google, Facebook, and Amazon? We call this "protecting our readers" in these parts of the internet. Thus, we consider this "Error" a badge of honor.
Fuck you for thinking this is somehow going to help SEO.
The catch 22 on this "Error" is parented to the lack of an analytics tool error. That because we're not sharing information to these sites. These sites can't sell to dirt bags data about how my site is indexing. They're trying to get my to sign up to one of these analytics services to verify that my site is indeed being indexed. To which that would insinuate we cared. If a search engine cannot index our site properly despite having a sitemap.xml file. Fuck that search engine. Seriously.
Errors on not having enough backlinks is a bit of a paradoxical event. If we were a new site that publishes content and no other website has that content on the clear-net. Then it would satisfy one of the search engines requirements that the content is indeed unique. However, if thousands of people link to the content it is no longer unique as the content is now commented and spread everywhere. Even if this garbage SEO site checker could possibly see and perform a reverse lookup of all the links heading towards this site. It ultimately wouldn't matter.
No one does "Letters of recommendations" for a website. It's a website. Not a job interview. What the hell.
Extra credit time.
There are things on this site that we would like to point out that even though they didn't penalize us, that we thought were funny nonetheless.
You know you're dealing with a very up-to-date and current SEO analysis tool when they still mention Twitter and believe there's only two other networks and that is it. Guess we could agree on one thing, that Tiktok is meaningless. Right guys?
We think Alexa is worth $1 USD. See? We can be equally insulting too!
Now all things considered we do have to give the bootleg site an "atta-boy" for not doing what RankWise is doing by punishing people for not using the shit and almost abandoned Google AMP protocol. A topic we discussed in another blog on why it shouldn't be used by anyone, really. See? We like to at least end an article on a happy note.
For those reading thing and thinking "What can you do about SEO." the answer is simple.
Talk about things..
That simple. No shortcuts.
If you want to talk about AI as a tool that's great. But if you think using AI to save you time to make a website everyone will know and love will carve out a good path for you. No. It will not. Stolen and proceedurally generated websites existed well before the time of AI. So in reality it all comes down to people using technology for their own beneficial gains while giving fuck all to the ecosystem they exist in. In the grand scheme of things it's a short lived projection versus websites that have been doing this to years.
If Google continues down the path of content freshness. Their search engine will be destroyed. Another asshat will appear out of the woodwork. This is why we stopped caring about SEO and for most of the clear-net for that matter.
To in summary, this article is to act as a quick reference whenever an SEO drone offers their services. Espechally if they do not understand the word "No."
Until next time.
Server protect you.
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